I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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