He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
