Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
