I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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