Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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