A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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