you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
