Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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