i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
