i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
