when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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