it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
