i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
