my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
