I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
