I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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