I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
