if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
