Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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