brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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