your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want her autograph on my taint
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
