I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
