Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
