i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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