They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
