I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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