Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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