you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
