Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
