I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
