just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just had sex on a roof
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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