I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
