NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
