Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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