She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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