You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
