just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
