stop calling my apartment porn island.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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