HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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