One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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