shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
