Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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