she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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