My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
