If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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