Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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