my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
