so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
