Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
