Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
