I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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