I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
